My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on

When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream....

      Life never ceases to surprise me, a quote I hear very often but take for granted just as frequently.  You never fully appreciate something until the moment you go through it yourself.  It’s like when your friend gets hurt by the stereotypical heart breaker, the one she/he should have seen coming and the one you promise yourself you will see coming and not let hurt you…but you don’t and they do anyway. Or the cherished moment when life gives you the answers to so many unanswered questions of your past. This year has been a blessing and a curse. More than a just a comparison to one ride, I would say it was the whole freaking theme park. The tilt a whirl would be feelings, always back and forth…when you’re disappointed by someone and you realize that life is much more than black and white. It’s grey and then some, it’s like art, it’s abstract and subjective. Unlike art, the wrong answer can send you straight into a roller coaster, also known as the up’s and down’s of life.


   2010 was one of the best and worst years of so many people’s lives. It marked milestones; graduation, life changing decisions, new heights in relationships, all peeling away the layers to the people that we are going to become. Now the he merry go round, I find dull and painstakingly SLOW. I relate it to that dry spell we all go through..not that one..the other one. When we get a little too comfortable with our lives. We have amazing friends that we just can’t bear the thought of losing, mostly because we’re afraid. Afriad of change, of growing apart..of losing the people that know us best,  sometimes more than we know ourselves. We settle on a job or relationship, because we're afraid that what we REALLY want is unattainable, whether it’s because of financial, emotional or mental obstacles.  Or we simply don’t know what we want yet and that my friend is a pickle. Why? Because who has the guts to just live and have random experiences until you figure it out?  My favorite ? The drop towers. You’d think this would make me a daredevil who laughs in the face of a challenge. No no, I don’t laugh...I yell, I cry, I kick and scream until the point when I realize that I am  okay and that feeling of flying and being free takes over. I guess  I’m a just girl trying to look at life in the eyes so I can tell it to bring it. It’s terrifying when you have no idea what is going to come next, this is what happens when you are going to graduate, or when everyone around you seems to have it all figured out and you don’t or when you come to the realization that you are not happy with where you are in life and DECIDE to let go of the unhappiness and and go find your heart..your treasure. 

        This year I FINALLY graduated with two degrees and a minor that I definitely was not pursing my freshmen year of college. I experienced the best times with some of the most amazing sisters and fulfilled my adolescent dream of being like the carefree college kids I used to see on MTV Spring break ( yea I know, I was a special child..but it looked like so much fun!!)  I was able to be part of my one of the happiest days in one of my best friends life. I was able to witness true love and it made me believe in it more than ever.  I visited NYC and got to see my best friend start a life she has been dreaming of for so long. I had my first adult job and realized I could and will never work a 9-5 job or anywhere that my heart is not completely set on. I was heartbroken and not by a boy but by the unpredictability of life which is sometimes worse. However, I recovered with Spain. Life laughed at me trying to plan plan plan by saying "Gaby no, you are not meant to stay in the States …you need to go to Spain." Thank-you life. I realized that just because we go through horrific things, it doesn’t mean we’re immune to them not happening again. Sometimes when people we love pass away or when the person we let into our lives/heart in and crushes it or we don’t get that job or program we so badly wanted, we feel entitled to immunity from future pain. It doesn’t work that way, It’s a lesson I had to learn over and over and but it’s simple. We learn from these experiences, with every tear that we shed, we build new defenses, we gain wisdom, humility and perspective. Through every experience, we learn how to see the signs, the red flags, that instinct that screams DANGER! DANGER!  or when we can distinguish between the ZING of true love from the comfort of just being with someone because we’re afraid of being alone.

It’s another year where I refuse to be jaded or cynical. Another year where I thank GOD for the amazing friends and family that I sometimes can’t believe I am so blessed to have, another year that I can look back and say no regrets, it all was meant to be.

So whether it was a year of loss, heartbreak, financial or emotional hardships, remember that it can and will get better. Life is not promised and not permanent..the good or the bad. We all have the power to change our lives, we just have to have the courage to jump, to not settle, to hope and dream and DO.

There will come a time. It may be just a fleeting moment in time where you realize..that every feeling, every experience, every love you had and lost,it all came together to bring you to where you are and the disappointments that  you ever had in your life will disappear like a rainbow clearing out the rain….and you’ll understand and appreciate it all. 


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! 2011=Love, Peace, Change

And I’m crazy, but you like it (loca, loca, loca) You like that it ain’t easy (loca, loca, loca)

My first trip away from Madrid this semester to somewhere I've never been before was a complete success! I realized that I am definitely one of those people who wholeheartedly believe that a city is a living breathing thing, with it's own secrets, gifts, memories etc...From the moment I breathed in the Mediterranean air and felt the salt on my lips I have been missing oh so much I realized that this city and I were going to learn a lot from each other. Barcelona to me, is a city of wonder. I don't know if I coined this term or if I have heard it before and just don't remember where but nevertheless,  with it's Parisian influence and overabundance of palm trees ( oh hey Soflo) and melt in your mouth crepes Barcelona just leaves you thinking, dreaming and wanting more. I spent the first day introducing myself to this city that made me forget all about Madrid..homegirl who can't seem do anything but obsess over Madrid say what? I know! My friends and I were unbelievably lucky to find an apt with a great view of the beach and walking distance to the heart of the city. It wasn't touristy at all and was situated within a cute neighborhood. The best thing to do when visiting a new city is to slip into a cafe ( which is usually a bar) and observe the culture. I was craving a tostada (toast/baguette) with a creamy delicious tomato base) with a cafe con leche. To my disappointment,  the bartender was an older lady who greeted my friend and I with a scowl. She scoffed at my request and told me that what I needed was a croissant. I really don't like arguing over petty things with strangers so I just agreed that yes of course, I needed a croissant..food is food of course. I ate my food standing because all of the chairs seemed to be occupied, My friend  and I chatted quietly in Spanish to not be rude and took it all in because it seemed everyone was staring at us. I'm not sure when it as that won them over  but slowly things changed. A sweet lady with a grandma vibe came over and told me that I had to sit down and found a chair for me and then the bartender gave me this look of worry and asked me if the croissant had been filling enough. It was all just really sweet and rare. It left me thinking about what was ever so wrong with taking your time to getting to know someone until you let them in to the ever so private and rightfully cherished inner circles of your life. Our hearts and lives are so precious that there isn't anything wrong with letting someone prove themselves worthy of being part of it. Now please don't give the evil eye to every person that comes into your life, but be warm and accepting without giving them the key to everything.I seem to still be going through my post idealistic phase so I doubt I will ever be able to not be that naive.

The level of exquisite beauty that can be found in Barcelona is mind boggling. It's a testament to Gaudi's gift as an artist and in my opinion, I don't think a more deserving city could have been chosen for the birth and development of such ingenuity and creativity. The Gaudi houses that adorn the city and  La Sagrada Familia are a must when visiting Barcelona.The church, still under construction 115 years after work was begun, was Gaudi's life's work and when you stand inside of it and  try to take it all in you just simply can't and that's okay. In the pamphlet it simply says reflect. and that's it. I reflected on Gaudi's gift. I think that it's so easy to become intimidated by people who were so clearly meant for something but it inspired me instead. It was also curious to me how Gaudi was not given the praise he so rightfully deserved for his brilliance when he was alive. Why is it that so many wonderfully talented artists aren't appreciated until after they pass away? I think it all goes back to intimidation. I also understand it because it's rare to find whatever it is that completes you and makes you be better than anything you thought possible. Barcelona taught me to let it go. I 'm surrounded by genius, by artists who weren't understood and simply let go trying to impress their peers and just lived for themselves, it's moving and action producing. Who cares what's expected of you? Do whatever your heart tells you to do. So day number 2 and 3 were like an early philosophical Christmas present for me.

The last day we spent it at the beach. The clouds were perfect and the weather was warm enough to take off your shoes and feel the sand between your toes. Cheesy but one of the best feelings in the world! I miss my friends and my family and my old life so much sometimes that I lose sight of why I'm here and the end goal which I don't know either lol. Sometimes I hate thinking so much and that morning I just stopped. It was freeing. You just get so caught up in the day to day that you don't realize sometimes you should think about how unbelievably lucky you are and in the future. Not in the typical omg, I have to figure out what to do for the rest of my life fashion but on the things that can change if you want them to and the fact that you can be with whomever you want to be and become everything you knew you could be and more.  All the people, the disappointing people, the annoying people,  the inspiring people, the confusing people..they all serve a purpose..

Why am I here? "I don't know but God does" Well He needs to give me a break..."

I must admit that my not having updated my blog in nearly two months has had nothing to do with procrastination or even forgetfulness.  It has, however, had everything to do with the fact that I STILL, after nearly two months of searching, the wistful clouds of Spain have not given me the answers I have been looking for.  As much as I wish that all of my expectations from my first post were being fulfilled..they aren't.  I feel like I'm being mentally and emotionally trained for the next Saw movie..dramatic i know... I apologize for my odd references but I always seem to relate my life to clouds or movies or quotes so might as well get you used to it now.  The best place to start is probably from the beginning. My first two weeks in Spain were spent in the beautiful but in my biased opinion claustrophobia inducing town of Alcala.

                                           Ugh, horrible isn't?!

Okay Okay so it's gorgeous and historical (Cervantes was born here) and old me would  have fallen in love with the romantic picturesque of it all but I actually hated this innocent city for a little while. Why?  I made the big mistake of staying with a host family who  ven though tried to help me adapt to my new environment, ultimately with their snooping and prying made me want to run like the wind. I also started my internship in Madrid while living in Alcala ( 40 minutes away). I literally had to wake up at 5:30 am to take a 6:30 am bus because of traffic so that I could be at the city by 9 am. Oh did I mention that they lived by a bar that would keep me up until 3:30 am? I also was apartment hunting in Madrid during this time so let's just say that no sleep+new internship+finding an apt and getting screwed out of 150 Euros = Gaby Breakdown.

And boy what a breakdown it was. It included me literally looking up at the sky and simply asking God..ya think this is funny?! Because I don't!! Can you give me a break?

That was just for the first two weeks. After that God did in fact give me the break that I so badly was praying for and I moved in with my very good friend Amanda until my roommate Lupe and I found a piso.  Amanda and I go way back, 2008 study abroad trip and our undying love for Madrid brought us together. It felt so liberating to be able to get up and do what I wanted to do and eat what i wanted to eat. Between Lupe, Amanda and all of the supportive people I was meeting I was starting to get stronger.

It's like when you basically go through all of this for lack of a better word crap and you are able to look back and say " I'm in such a better place and because of that I can appreciate it where I am now." I always end up thanking God for this probably because it's how I learn best, as much as i hate it.

Fast forwarding a bit, after another learning experience ( I seem to have so many of these here) with the nastiest landlord, my roommates ( Lizzie, Lupe) and I found the perfect piso (apt)! I never thought I would end up saying it, but the tears and pain were worth it. I love everything about it. I love the fall leaves that greet me every morning when I open the windows to my terrace, I love the warm colors and wall decorations that let me call it home and I love love love the smell of roses as I walk through my door every day.

My favorite part is obviously my room, haha. Ikea has helped me to make it cozy and familiar. I live about 4 metro stops away from the center of the city and I can't complain about where I live. My street is called Breton de los Herreros and for some reason I am love with this name, it was named after a Spanish writer and in this  narrow yet inviting street with it's looming trees with crisp yellow and orange fall leaves, I often find myself (or others seem to find me) simply smiling at this inspiring beauty. 

i

The one thing I can say runs efficiently in this city is it's metro system. It's clean, easy to master (even for me) and I try my best to appear as native as possible when using it. I will admit that my first few times using it I would get lost or trip or miss the last train by a matter of seconds but now I have become quite a pro at dodging the crowds and finding the best routes to my destinations. 

Henry James Elliot wrote that no deep experience is ever peaceful and I must agree wholeheartedly. Whether this experience gets better or not or if it takes me losing all of my money ( I seem to be going in this direction what with greedy old woman and incompetent banks) I am going to come out with something...something..

The silver lining? What makes it all really worth it?

No matter how horrid I feel or what day ruining thing happens next, there is one thing that can make me feel whole and genuinely happy. That one reason is the smile of an innocent child who just wants to see YOU smile and laugh. My kids make me feel very loved and I have always felt from day one that my attitude and words means all the world to them and it's true. I'm not a teacher nor will I ever try to use that title because my amazing friends have taught me what it is to be one. However, I am still in their lives every day and I want to be a good role model and help them excel at whatever they want to do. It's the best part of all of this and sometimes what keeps me in this program.

Why is it that I can't just have a normal study abroad experience full of learning but partying  and traveling?! I'm pretty sure I'll still have those things, I am having those things..haha, but it just wouldn't be MY type of experience if it didn't include at least a little bit of struggle. Eye of the tiger baby. 

Or MAYBE..like everyone including the Spaniards seem to tell me...Its just Spain!  "If it's not complicated, it's not Spain." My roomie Lupe:)

Carpe Diem, Terra Incognita, Oy Vey, Veni, Vidi, Vici

 Two weeks ago I still didn't think I would go through with this. Nobody knows it but I had doubts. I still have doubts. I moved to Madrid to find myself again. To challenge myself and make a change in my life that would mark it forever.  Last time I was here, I was 21 years old and had a carefree disposition. I had never felt so free and genuinely happy. It was the magic of the city and the richness of the culture that inspired me. Everything from the way the people greeted each other to the wistful clouds that would lead me to day dream for hours of the endless possibilities. It all gave me strength.

Of course change can be terrifying, but the satisfaction that I get after I make a life altering decision is like no other. It's sort of like a (pardon my french) F*you to life for all of the unpleasant experiences it made you go through. For my 4 and half years of college I decided that I wanted excitement, culture, passion and constant change. I don't know where my passion for travel came from, I just knew that there was more out there than what was in my own backyard. I craved to know the unknown. It's like the adrenaline rush of a roller-coaster except this rush can completely change your life through the people you meet and the memories you take away from it.   Of course I thought that after all of this, I would know exactly who I was and what I was going to do.  Unfortunately and fortunately, that wasn't the case. I graduated with a double degree in Psychology and Spanish with a minor in Business. After realizing that I needed to just DO something I decided to apply for a Master's program in Spanish literature and education that has nothing to do with my major or minor. It was a personal decision that at first sprung out of fear.  Not the fear that cripples you and leads to settling. The one that helps to motivate us . My fear was the typical going back to live with your parents after college scenario. Not because i don't love home but because I have always felt in my gut that I was meant to do great things and be someone who made a contribution to this world. I don't want to waste time. I realized that i lost sight of so many things that added together make up who i am. I am not complacent, timid or a 9 to 5 kind of girl. What do I want? The rush, the feeling that I can do and be anything. I don't believe that anybody should ever stop wanting that.

It's okay to not know what is going to happen next, to want to experience all that life has to offer and to make changes in your life that are right for you and not having to apologize to anyone for that. I don't know what is going to happen in a year or how I am going to change. All I know is that I took a risk and if in a year from now, I just end up learning one thing about myself and this world then it's one more thing that I didn't know before that I will know now.  

Is it terrifying? Heck yes! But also exciting all at the same time. I have been here a week and have had more feelings,ideas and dreams running through me than ever before. So if takes countless hours of daydreaming while sitting under these beautiful clouds in Spain to figure out my heart's desires then so  be it. I have finally realized I will never be content with anything less. So bring on the adventures,memories and heart ache......I'm ready.